This week has had it's fair share of up's and down's. Nothing in life is perfect or goes exactly the way you were expecting it. (I should know this by now.) However if there is one thing that has really helped me this week it's been the Gospel.
The past couple of years have really been a struggle for me spiritually.
I will throw it back to my Senior Year in high school: young, naive and not a clue what I wanted out of life.
My senior year is a specific year that stands out to me of when I was the most in tune with the Spirit. I attended seminary, young women's, went to mutual and even read my scriptures daily. I loved to be at church and share what I knew to be true with my friends and family. I attended the temple regularly and even was on a stake committee. Life seemed incredibly easy because I had an eternal perspective that everything was going to be okay and work out. I had such a strong testimony and felt bulletproof against any trials.
While trying to decide where to apply to colleges, my first thought was to head to BYU-Provo. (Of course.) I had a "boyfriend" on a mission who was headed there when he came back, and I figured I would have an excellent education that was paired with good moral values. While I still applied to other schools, I had decided I would go to BYU to follow in my father's footsteps and carry on the legacy.
Getting my college acceptance letters was really exciting. It made me feel smart and accomplished and I even was offered scholarships! Unfortunately none of the scholarships were for BYU, but I decided to head there anyways after a long and thought out prayer. However, the summer after graduation presented me with my own trials and I slowly began breaking good habits of reading my scriptures every night. I found that I wasn't do bad things... but I wasn't doing all the really good things that I was doing before out of habit.
Upon arriving in Provo at the end of summer, I found I was completely unprepared for college. I had an extremely hard time making friends and I was away from my family, best friend and new boyfriend. High School work load was nothing compared to the work load of college and I found myself not getting enough sleep or having much motivation for anything. Most importantly I found that even though I was in a school that was immersed by the Gospel, I still felt distant from my Heavenly Father. I was in a Book of Mormon class and although I was learning about the book, I never read it because I wanted to. It turned into a text book that I didn't feel like reading.
Although I was faced with so many trials, I decided to try and make the best of it. Luck found me shortly after when a girl from my dorm named Erin came and knocked on my door. She asked me what I was doing and I had replied that I was watching Grey's Anatomy. (I should mention that I watched all the seasons that were available during this semester for the first time.) Erin asked if she could join and somehow we were instant best friends. I clicked with her and everything was really great. She helped me out of a really depressing time in my life and showed me that I could make friends and enjoy college. She changed the rough course of my life at that time in my life and I don't know how I could ever thank her.
At this point the only thing that was holding me back was myself. I became prideful and decided that I didn't really need to read my scriptures everyday and it wasn't that big of a deal if I slept through church instead of attending. I found myself forming habits that I would have never dreamed of in high school. I became unhappy with myself and after multiple trials, I decided that I didn't want to be at BYU anymore. My parents were furious and even after talking to my bishop for comfort, they couldn't believe that I wanted to transfer.
After an extremely difficult couple of months, I decided to live with my best friend Hillery and transfer to USU. I had no idea why I wanted to attend USU because it was never on my preferred list of colleges to attend. I hoped for a new start with a comfortable surrounding. I was closer to home and now attending college with my boyfriend Jason. I decided to rededicate myself to the Gospel and signed up for Institute. Life seemed like it was going swell.
It didn't take long to find myself in bad habits again and swallowed up by pride. I found that I was so preoccupied with temporal things making me happy instead of wanting to go to church, reading my scriptures or personal prayer. I'm sad to say that this has continued for over a year now. Although I knew that the church is true, I had a really hard time staying motivated to do the things that I knew I should be doing. Unfortunately pride is a terrible source of pain and teaches a nasty lesson.
However someone once said, "It will all be okay in the end, if it's not okay; it's not the end."
This semester however has been completely different. Once you find yourself at the lowest of low, you realize that you can't do it without God, or at least that's how I felt. I am now in a fantastic ward with an amazing bishop. I find that I love to go to church each week and learn. I picked up my Book of Mormon for the first time in long time and decided to commit to it. (I have read every night since and hope to finish by the 4th of July.) I find myself in the midst of tender mercies on a daily basis and prayer isn't so difficult anymore. I even bore my testimony on Easter Sunday for the first time since high school graduation. I have really come a long way.
I began this blog as a way to keep track of the changes that I am making in my life to become the best version of myself. I think I would be completely ungrateful and untrue to myself if I didn't include my spiritual life as part of those positive changes. I didn't write this post to be boastful; I still have a long way to go... but I posted it because I am hopeful that better things are to come for my future because of the choices that I am making now. I am so thankful for a Father in Heaven who never turns His back on me even when I walk away from Him.
I encourage anyone who is reading this that's having a hard time, to hold on.
To persevere.
To commit.
There are good things to come.
(Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nczw6xHJ0I)
Heavenly Father is so completely mindful of each of us. Everything that we go through, we go through for a reason and for growth. I wouldn't take back my years of trials for anything. They have taught me more than I could ever imagine. I know now that He was with me all along but I was too stubborn to ask for help. The entire point of this life is to Come Unto Christ. However we find Christ in this life is eternally significant to our happiness.
We all find Him differently, with completely different backgrounds and stories, but the point is that we find Him.
I am eternally grateful for my personal Savior, Jesus Christ and his atoning sacrifices he made specifically for me.
(Watch this too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOf2gC-dm-0)
This song is particularly special to me at the moment.
My favorite versus are 2 & 3. They read:
"Come unto Jesus; He'll ever heed you. Though in the darkness you've gone astray. His love will find you and gently lead you, from darkest night into day.
Come unto Jesus; he'll surely hear you, if you in meekness plead for his love. Oh, know you not that angels are near you from brightest mansions above?"
Wake up & Live!
Or as a good friend once said, Look to God, and live!
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